My Life With Kobe Bryant

Sat Nov 19

The Oracle

kobe: see, as a young buck back in italia me and the fam used to kick it on vacay in delphi.  whenever we were there id have this nightmare, right, that the collective bargaining agreement expired before my 16th season in the league, and my bald friend in a suit and some old white dude in a suit kept arguing about it. meanwhile i just wanted to ball because this german beast was haunting me

me: holy shit

kobe: you know the craziest part? tebow somehow fixed everything

Wed Apr 20

Passover

me: so you’re familiar with passover

kobe: of course.  its a bridge, road, railway, or similar structure that crosses over another road or railway.  taken together with its underpass it forms a grade separation

me: no.

kobe: o right, its like sometimes when i have an open look at the end of a game, i pass it to a guarded teammate

me: no, and that situation is purely hypothetical?

kobe: of course.  whats passover

me: the exodus from egypt of the jewish people during the reign of ramses II

kobe: wooord.  you know what always bugged me about ramses 2? he looks just like kevin garnett

Wed Dec 1

A Time To Give Thanks

editor’s note: kobe’s (post) thanksgiving email

Hey all,

Every year, on the first day of December, I like to take a little time out of my busy schedule to recognize and give thanks.  I’d like to take the opportunity of this email to share some of the things that I recognize and thank with y’all…

Thank you the Sun: without you there would be no day.

Thank you Space-Time and Physics: you make existence as we know it possible.

Thank you Albert Einstein: Space-Time and Physics, duh.

Thank you Black Mamba: you are my inspiration, the animalification of almost perfection.  Before you, I had no idea it was possible to strike with 99 percent accuracy at maximum speed, in rapid succession.  I had always thought accuracy peaked at about 97 percent.  My idol was the Great White Shark, and s/he isn’t even capable of striking in rapid succession.

Thank you Evolution: you created the Black Mamba.

Thank you Leonardo Da Vinci: most people credit Darwin for the evolutionary theory, but I’ve always thought it was yours.  It makes too much sense.  Furthermore, I constantly strive to be a renaissance man in at least one aspect of my life.

Thank you Hess: every year your new truck model tops the last’s.  A truck with a jet! How the fuck did you come up with that?

Thank you the 80s: out of all the decades I can think of, you were the most fun.

Thank you George Washington Carver: not only were you a great man, but really, what an unbelievable name.

image

Last but not least, I’d like to thank the Zoom Kobe III Genius ad campaign: without you, this email would have been picture-less, and in my opinion, quite bland.  I’ll leave you with this question: If you don’t dress up as your heroes, are they really your heroes?

KB out

Tue Nov 9

The Threepeaters

kobe: things are def more relaxed this season. the threepeat is far easier than the repeat.  only 23 percent of the 44 individual teams to win an nba championship repeated as champions the following year.  i call those teams the repeaters. in contrast, half of the 10 previous repeaters won the following year. you know what i call them?

me: what? the threepeaters?

kobe: no, i mean, thats a good name too, a little simple tho. peep this: the sellables.  i combined the first syllables of each franchise to threepeat, the celtics lakers and bulls. its easy to remember because syllable rhymes with sellable, plus its a double entendre

Wed Sep 22

The Rim Reaper

me: yo, pleeeaase avoid Vitti this year, he’s like your angel of death.

kobe: nah chill, i like Vitti.  dude looks out for me

me: are you sure?  don’t you wonder why he’s always wearing black?

kobe: actually, yeah, ive noticed that.  but before i can wonder i usually get distracted

me: by what?

kobe: the pain

me: …

kobe: yooooooo, thats spooky

me: forget i said anything

 

Thu Sep 16

The Reel World: Alderaan

kobe: ive been getting into some next level shit

me: yoga?

kobe: close, yoda.  been watching a lot of star wars, the first three

me: the first three made or the first three chronologically

kobe: okay, so as i understand it, star wars was filmed a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, right?  george lucas got a hold of the film and cut it into 6 movies.  he realized that the last three chronologically were better, climaxing with the showdown at the end of return of the jedi, so he released those earlier to create a lasting buzz for the first three.  It was a brilliant tactical move

me: are you drawing potential parallels between return of the jedi and your career again? and you still didn’t answer my question

kobe: what? no, thats crazy.  you know what tho? ive always been sad they lost the confessionals footage. just yoda, a room, and a camera? pure gold

Thu Mar 4

Kobe Bear

me: long time

kobe: yeah man, sorry bout that, ive been off the grid for a while. its that time of year, you know?

me: you always used to find time to chat during the basketball season

kobe: nah, not basketball season, winter

me: but you spend most of your time in LA

kobe: so? it still affects me, throws off my rhythm. as i get older im becoming more in tune with the seasons. i cant waste as much energy during the winter as i used to.  i need to go into hibernation mode, you know, like a bear. ive been reading up on all the different bears, incorporating bits and pieces from each of them into my routine. you know winnie? dude couldnt get enough honey. the bears from goldilocks? porridge. ive been listening to bare necessities on repeat, its my new bible. theres so much information in that song. that prickly pear stuff? unbelievable. o, and im wearing only corduroy

me: like corduroy bear?

kobe: what? corduroy who? nah, corduroy accentuates my figure

Mon Sep 21

Locked Out

kobe: the refs?

me: yeah, they’re locking refs out

kobe: of stadiums?

me: no no no, salary dispute type thing.   the opposite of a strike

kobe: ooo.  dunno how i feel about that.  damn.  so what now?  we’ll just make calls ourselves like its the streets or the 80s?  nah man, i like referees.  okay, think of the game like its a burrito.  the players are the rice, beans, guac, sour cream, salsa, cheese, and whatever your protein of choice may happen to be, right.  that’s the heart of the burrito.  but see, the tortilla wrap is its essence.  without the tortilla a burrito would just be a bizarre salad.  the refs are the tortilla holding that burrito together

me: there’s not a single honest word in that whole statement

kobe: no, i do like zebras though

Wed Aug 19

Atari

kobe: i like atari man, its fun…like the 80s

Tue Jul 28

Space Jammed

kobe: i put a lot of thought into this.  see, the monstars had to invade sometime between when michael retired in the summer of 93 and when he came back in the spring of 95.  it also had to be while baseball was in season, because michael had to rush back to catch a game at the end of the movie.  that means the talent abduction occurred during the spring of 94

me: so?

kobe: lemme finish.  of the players abducted, only charles barkley made an all nba team that year, which is a miracle given how long he played without his talent

me: ewing almost won the title that season too

kobe: yeah yeah, ewing recovered to lead his team to the finals, but he still lost to olajuwan.  not a single one of those players ever won an nba title, and even charles at his best made only 5 all nba first teams.  ive won 4 titles and have been on 7 first teams, including this past seasons.  had the monstars truly gone after the best talent that season they probably couldve won.  but they didnt, and if they ever returned i doubt they would

me: so you’re saying you’d be safe

kobe: most likely

me: i guess that means you’d have to play the mj role if you were in space jam 2

kobe: yeah, itd be an honor, that is if the looney toons ever needed me to.  i have nightmares about it though, because what if the monstars actually did get to me first?